Yesterday I had coffee with a friend which wound up being an excellent opportunity.
The official cause for the conversation was the potential for a project, but we ended up talking far more about our lives and what was going on with us.
This is always helpful, because there are really few people in this life with whom we can do that sort of thing, save therapists.
Which is a shame, because therapists are expensive. You would think that the culture would develop some sort of cheaper way of doing this, capitalizing on the extraordinary treasure we all have at our disposal: one another.
We were both interested in a common problem: neurotic thinking. Specifically, how to cope with it when you’re stuck in it.
Let’s say your boss didn’t give you the task you thought she was going to. So and so got it, and you know they’re already too busy. You, however, have time and drive to get it done and, more, you probably could have gotten it done better.
One way of thinking about this is the following. Your boss doesn’t trust you because you effed up that one other thing a month ago, and you had an attitude last week. You’re constantly struggling with your emotions and, though you thought you were discreet about that, your boss can tell. Therefore, you didn’t get the assignment because you’re incompetent — you’re untrustworthy and can’t keep it together. There’s no way to work with this boss, because personally they’ve already tarred your character, and you’re always going to need to subjugate and demean yourself in order to maintain a working relationship. You can’t wait to find a newer, better job. If you can’t, there’s always suicide.
Another way of thinking about it is as follows. Your boss makes lots of decisions on the fly. So and so was assigned the task because they’ve been in the department for ten years, and the boss knows exactly what they can and will do. You’ve only been here three, and you haven’t done similar tasks and, further, you don’t have much of a background knowledge of account X. Your boss is always as happy to see you as they are to see anyone else, everyone here is crazy, and they honestly have spent about zero minutes thinking about you, your emotions, or your ego. They had exactly zero knowledge that you were even interested in performing this task. If you would step up and put a little more mindfulness and effort into your current role, you could be looking forward to a promotion likely next year. What have you got to lose? Try enjoying your job for a moment and find a way to go above and beyond.
The reality is that neither narrative A nor narrative B are any more true or real than the other, but one facilitates sanity, balance, and good orderly direction while the other creates a malicious chaos anarchy. It might be that there is much more ambiguity to the real truth, and that we have to live in the tension of this polarity.
That is why in middle age I’ve turned toward faith. Not because any of the propositions of some religion have become more believable, but because over time I’ve begun to notice that the assistance of a shared sense of narrative, when enriched by meditation, proper diet and exercise, good sleep, abstention from alcohol, vitamins, and a good dose of Remeron/Mirtazapine is helpful.
All of these things contribute to my becoming free from the torture of neurotic thinking. But they are made best when I practice this skill: noticing that I am thinking neurotically. If I can notice that early enough, I can begin to ask myself caring questions that allow me to let go of the destructive assumptions, while still honoring my intellect and allowing myself to enjoy cognitive sovereignty.
And why not?
Ambitiously,
Aaron