Three Cheers for Shame

Attempts to Shut Shame Down May Themselves be Shameful

There’s a common distinction being offered out there, and I’m not certain I put my heart behind it.

”The difference between guilt and shame,” the argument goes, “is that guilt acknowledges we’ve done something wrong, while shame tells us we’re ‘bad people’ because of what we’ve done.”

The idea is that we’re (self-) stigmatized by shame and, as the rage seems to be to destroy all stigmas all the time always, it’s alleged that we’ll benefit from shutting shame down. I’m not so sure.

Firstly, shame seems to be an important part of recognizing guilt. According to the above argument, we naturally recognize guilt of our own reason, but this seems suspect to me. Rather, I think we recognize guilt because we feel that soul-curdling revulsion which arises when we realize our actions have caused us to appear repulsive to others, and even to ourselves. We feel shame. That’s what suddenly strikes us, and makes the action seem repugnant.

This is not some utilitarian rationalization, but a deep-seated sensory jolt from the ol’ limbic system. My guilt may prove that I'm a rational being, but it’s my shame which proves I'm not a sociopath. When I hurt another person, it's my shame that warns me that what I've done is not just unacceptable — the act has gone against my very nature, making me (momentarily, at least) sub-human.

Now, I’m not saying that we should then go on to continue to conceptualize ourselves as a reject. That would be unnecessary and, arguably, immoral. We should love ourselves like a parent, and try to find out what caused the misstep so that we can self-correct. I have zero problem with using neutral language to do this, indeed I endorse it. And for anyone who is having trouble getting through life because their internal narrative has adapted external shame language — I hope you find new thought technologies which can help you pop this bubble. You deserve better.

But it was a sense of shame which got us here so efficiently! Let’s embrace shame, or at least accept it non-judgmentally like we do any other emotion. It will perhaps save us a bunch of unnecessary strife.