Honoring Honesty
Conjuring Courage and Character Amidst the Stress of Meta-Cognition
I'd sent a somewhat despairing, yet perfectly honest, message to a friend.
“Why is it that I only feel I can be honest while drunk?”
It's something of a conundrum. The assumption the statement makes is that there's some aspect of myself which strongly desires to state certain things which are almost impossible to represent without seeming severely and maliciously critical.
Or, fun and funny while seeming random and paradoxical to others.
All of these thoughts and tendencies are part of my self. But, as these things go, are only acceptable in certain company.
Another friend once told me they didn't like talking to me when I'm drunk. The reason? “You're not yourself.”
Both sides are true. I am myself in all states, although I'm not entirely myself in either.
Of course, we're never entirely ourselves, and therein lies the rub. We're always conforming to various agent/arena relationships in every situation, playing down and highlighting various urges and aspects.
It's when, in one state or another, you feel some aspect of yourself is being held hostage that we begin to have a problem. (Which is one of the reasons IFS can offer some pretty potent therapy. More to come.)
My Easter resolution is to continue to honor the ways in which sobriety can offer me opportunities to allow for more parts of myself to integrate in different situations. It is my intention to begin to inject new bits of propositional and participatory courage into various situations, all while alcohol-free, in an attempt to integrate aspects of my exiled selves into the integral whole.
My friends don’t want to be around me when I’m drunk because, in those states, my meta-cognition is trashed, and my exiles come out like goblins making a big ol’ shit-show.
Further, if I’m drinking, I’m undependable, and un-trustworthy.
In short, when I’m drinking I’m often an asshole. Even when I’m not the “angry drunk,” I’m still not being participatory or helpful — and while this solitude might be delicious for the sober poet crafting his Odes, it is shit for the narcissistic prick who just wants to avoid discomfort and cloak himself in a hazy pleasure.
I owe it to myself to learn who I am, and to allow that being to thrive to the best of their ability. It may not wind up in fame and fortune, but whatever shape it takes will be sincere. And authenticity is the cornerstone of the authorial persona.
I look forward to your letters.
Attendantly,
Aaron