Constancy Amidst Chaos

the God Idea as Ground and Center

“Whenever infinite or unconditional power and meaning are attributed to the highest being, it has ceased to be a being and has become [B]eing-itself. Many confusions in the doctrine of God and many apologetic weaknesses could be avoided if God were understood first of all as being-itself or as the ground of being.”

— Paul Tillich, Systematic Theology

“Since all that beat about in Nature's range,

Or veer or vanish; why should'st thou remain

The only constant in a world of change,

O yearning Thought! that liv'st but in the brain?”

— Coleridge, “Constancy to An Ideal Object

“I will Be what I will Be.” — Exodus 3:14

“Here, monks, when a monk is giving attention to some sign, and owing to that sign there arise in him evil unwholesome thoughts connected with desire, hate, and delusion, then he should give attention to some other sign connected with what is wholesome. When he gives attention to some other sign connected with what is wholesome, then any evil unwholesome thoughts connected with desire, hate, and delusion are abandoned in him and subside. With their abandoning his mind becomes steadied internally, composed, unified, and concentrated.”

— Buddha, Vitakkasanthana Sutta (trans. Bhikkhu Bodhi)

One of the criteria for my state of mental well-being is the ever-changing nature of my thoughts and emotions.

While I’ve been technically diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety Disorder (which contributes to and [in my estimation] largely causes my Alcohol Use Disorder), I meet all of the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. (I have never been properly diagnosed with this disorder, and it turns out that there are practical reasons for that — including availability for dialectical behavioral care, and issues with standard insurance practices for funding).

This is a state of emotional disregulation. I am able to be suddenly triggered into a shame state on a dime, or to have a sudden mood swing into despairing depression or anger.

I am also able to think about the same person in two completely different ways from one day to the next, one day having a reasonably social, accepting notion of them, and the next thinking of them as an enemy for whom I feel resentful vitriol.

This is a difficult circumstance for me to be in, because I have difficulty developing, nurturing, and maintaining relationships and jobs. It has created an adverse circumstance for me to build a career, or to have the long-term intimate partnership I so desperately desire.

There are a lot of tools out there for someone like me, and I’d like to offer one that I don’t think comes with a lot of clinical study — Prayer.

I have begun in the past year to develop a daily prayer practice, aspiring toward a monastic ideal of “praying ceaselessly.”

Coupled with this (and bolstering and reinforcing it), I have gone every Sunday with my Dad to Mass, where encouragement and instruction have been plentiful.

In addition to praying to God, I have begun to pray to several Saints, as well as to Christ Jesus.

One thing that has been advantageous about this practice has been that I have been able to internally speak to a Unifying Being who is both within and without, who embodies time while transcending it, and who takes on personal characteristics while never remaining recognizably the same.

And, on a personal level, this constancy can serve as a mediator and center for my warring selves.

I can one day doubt and spite God, and on the next I can praise and glorify.

Same God, different day.

Personally, this is something I can experience every morning and night, and throughout the day. It is a mainstay of Being and Consciousness despite the tempestuous fickleness of my whims and moods.

The effect is the creation of a centered, grounded Self which transcends the fluctuations. An “I” who can perceive his own thoughts and emotions and fully experience them without attachment.

I can access this Being at any and all times by dropping into my secret mantra, externally silent but internally audible, source of connection to the energy of both my own body and that of the entirety of the cosmos, font of inexpressible Power, Beauty, Goodness, and Truth, radiating from my heart outward toward all beings in inexhaustible compassion, respect, reverence, and beneficent Love.

So, in addition to reminding me that there is an omni-present Home ever-available, even in the most dire of climates, I also am participant in the creation of a new, better, and more optimal Reality, which I share with others.

This gives me not only the respite and consolation of having a place to which I can return when I am in an ill state, but also an Ideal I can aspire toward in Telos. Alpha and Omega.

I cherish this resource, and choose to conserve and cultivate it.

Aspiringly, 

Aaron