Confession

A Post With a Lot of Is, and Some Buts

I made a mistake yesterday, and it’s really sticking in my craw.

My department completed its work early, and I had a choice.

I could either go home early, or help another department in the building.

I chose the former.

No big deal, right?

I work hard, as does my team.

It’s been a long week, and I was tired.

I am working on a lot in my own life, and wanted to get home to rest and strategize.

I I I I I

Yesterday morning, Loretta treated all of us (her department and ours) to coffee and little sweet treats.

It was magnificent — what a gesture of caring and selfless contribution.

She is a very sweet woman, always happy and smiling, warm and affectionate.

Her team was doing fine.

They were going to complete their work easily, and would not have to work overtime this week (as they usually do).

No one was going to hurt for my decision.

That said, I still consider it a mistake — so much so that this morning I prayed for forgiveness.

Why?

The easy answer is that I shouldn’t “beat myself up.”

That I made a decision for myself, and I deserve a little self-care here and there.

But I’m not beating myself up, and that’s not the answer.

The truth is that I could’ve easily amped myself up for two more hours of work, delayed my immediate gratification, and contributed not to my own selfish wants, but to the aspiration of the Whole.

I could’ve made a contributive gesture.

It would’ve been only a gesture.

On the whole, the work itself would’ve been somewhat insignificant in terms of volume and productivity.

But in terms of meaning, it would’ve been quite significant.

Instead of feeling like a lonely, selfish person, I could’ve felt like another worker in a team of other workers, and assigned to my name the characteristic of “stays after and helps others.”

Now, that’s its own form of egotism, and I’m well aware of it.

But its the kind of egotism that is (as they say in AA) “right-sized.”

In AA, it’s all about service all the time — even though most of the services people provide are arguably unnecessary.

But its also helpful.

And a culture of helpful gestures is far superior to a culture of isolated self-interest.

Because the very promise of the Liberal Arts, and of Individual sovereignty and agency is dependent upon proper and well-kept character — of participation.

In the Stoa, people were constantly helping one another, with conversation and — I assume, although we don’t have records — with support.

In Christianity, they say that “Faith without works is Dead.”

Thanks for accepting my confession, so that I don’t have to “beat myself up,” and don’t have to carry this with me into tomorrow.

As a recompense and reconciliation, I intend on talking to Loretta on Monday, just to keep my conscience clear, and make sure that she and I are on good terms.

I also plan on talking to one of my co=workers who did go over to help.

I don’t intend on making it about me, but rather to mix my thoughts and concern into a greater conversation he and I are having about growing to become better people.

To tell him, “hey, I’m not super happy with a decision I made on Thursday, and I’d like to get your thoughts on it.”

To use this error as an opportunity for greater insight and growth, making connections where I would otherwise feel isolation.

With much gratitude and well-wishes for you and your day, I am

Yours, 

Appreciatively, 

Aaron